Understanding and Managing Anger in Children: Expert Advice

Anger is a fundamental and adaptive emotion, despite being commonly labeled as negative. María Teresa Monjarás Rodríguez, an academic at UNAM's School of Psychology, emphasizes that anger is a valid emotion and should not be suppressed. It plays a crucial role in setting boundaries and adapting to various situations. However, it is important to distinguish between the emotion of anger and the behavior that accompanies it. It is crucial to teach children the difference between expressing anger in productive ways and harmful ones.

In a recent conference titled "How to Help My Children in Anger Management," held as part of the UNAMirada desde la Psicología cycle, the university recommended parents and teachers be mindful of their expressions of anger. Children learn from what they observe, so adults need to model appropriate anger management techniques. Merely lecturing children on why they shouldn't yell or hit when they are angry is ineffective if parents respond to misbehavior with similar actions.

Moreover, it is valuable to reflect on our upbringing and how anger was dealt with in our family of origin. Recognizing the messages we received about anger—such as "only bad children get angry" or "if you get angry, you look ugly"—is important for breaking harmful patterns. It is crucial to challenge these misconceptions and create a healthy environment where children feel safe expressing their emotions.

To effectively address a child's anger, it is essential to identify the underlying cause of their frustration. Children may become angry when seeking attention, perceiving unfairness, resisting sharing their toys, craving more time with parents, feeling abandoned or rejected, and more. Parents should strive to go beyond the tantrum and understand what the child is attempting to communicate through their anger and what they ultimately want to achieve.

It is vital to avoid resorting to violence when disciplining children. Resorting to physical punishment teaches them that violence is an acceptable response to frustration. This type of upbringing can lead to long-term negative consequences, including difficulties in learning and increased attention problems. It is crucial not to normalize violence and seek alternative methods for managing anger.

María Teresa Monjarás Rodríguez suggests several strategies for venting, calming down, and developing self-control. For younger children, productive outlets for anger include hitting a punching pin or a pillow, running, jumping, or kicking a ball. To facilitate calming down, parents can encourage deep breathing exercises, guide the child to their room, or employ the turtle technique. In the latter, the child is asked to assume a turtle position when angry, take five deep breaths, and then "come out of their shell." If the child is not ready to calm down, they can remain in that position until they feel ready to rejoin the situation.

Another helpful activity is the noodle exercise, where children are encouraged to emulate a cooked noodle by relaxing their bodies. By addressing each body part and instructing them to move, such as wiggling their toes, the child gradually achieves a state of relaxation.

When dealing with adolescents, it is crucial to help them identify their anger triggers and bodily reactions to anger, such as a hot head or trembling. By recognizing these initial signs, adolescents can learn to pause and employ effective anger management strategies. The focus should be on distinguishing between constructive and destructive behaviors and understanding their consequences.

The family unit plays a significant role in anger management. It is important to establish and enforce clear rules at home, such as no hitting, no shouting, or saying hurtful things. These rules should be communicated, and the consequences of violating them should be made known. Consequences can involve a loss of privileges but should not be perceived as punishment. They need to be immediate and directly linked to the behavior.

When anger arises, it is crucial to allow time for the family to calm down. In situations of heightened stress and tension, distancing oneself, going outside, or taking a moment alone to reflect or talk to a family member or friend can be helpful. Afterward, as a family, it is important to discuss what happened, how each member feels, what changes can be made, and what can be learned from the experience.

Authors such as Harley and Havighurst offer strategies for managing fights between siblings or schoolmates. Initially, children should be allowed to resolve their disagreements on their own. However, if the situation escalates, an adult can step in and acknowledge the emotions involved. By stating the conflict and emphasizing the need for a fair resolution, children are encouraged to find a mutually agreeable solution.

If the situation becomes dangerous and there is an intention to harm one another, immediate intervention is necessary. By addressing the situation, asking for clarification on whether it is a fight or a game, and reinforcing that fighting is not acceptable, the adult can ensure the safety of all involved without resorting to violence or aggression.

Following the resolution of a conflict, it is important to engage in open dialogue. All participants should be allowed to express their version of events. The adult should actively listen and reflect on what they hear to demonstrate understanding. The next step is to ask the children what they could do differently next time to prevent a similar situation from arising.

It is important to recognize that each child is unique, and strategies for managing anger may vary. Parents should pay attention to activities that help their child calm down, such as listening to music, engaging in breathing exercises, or dancing. By understanding what calms them and what triggers impatience or anger, parents can better support their children and help them navigate their emotions effectively.

In conclusion, acknowledging and understanding children's anger is essential for their emotional development. By teaching children to distinguish between anger as an emotion and the behaviors that accompany it, parents and educators can guide them toward productive ways of expressing and managing their anger. Modeling healthy anger management techniques, creating a safe environment for emotional expression, and employing various strategies to calm down are crucial steps in promoting positive emotional well-being and preventing future negative consequences.